In honor of Sinclair Sexsmithâ€™s new book, Sweet & Rough, I got the opportunity to talk with Sinclair. We also asked BOT fans to submit questions that they wanted me to ask Sinclair. The three that we choose to ask Sinclair will win their creators a copy of the book. Iâ€™ll go first (cause itâ€™s my blog).
Tell me about yourself.
Iâ€™m 35 and currently living in the Bay Area after leaving home (southeast Alaska) at 16 and living in Colorado, Seattle, and Brooklyn. Iâ€™m still looking for a place that I really love and want to settle in, I havenâ€™t quite found it yet. I might have to move to a cabin in the woods to find what Iâ€™m looking for, but not the creepy kind. I am really lucky to have found/created a career and calling for myself that I love, writing and teaching and coaching about sexualities, genders, and relationships. I live with a cat and a boy and a dog (in that pecking order). Since I work from my home office, I cook a lot, and I aspire to garden and grow more food, but thatâ€™s still a work in progress.
I love the way you present yourself to the world, attitude, stance, style. There arenâ€™t as many Butch role models as one would like. How do you get the strength to be so very you?
Itâ€™s been a long, slow road to this version of me. Itâ€™s taken a long time and a LOT of experiments, a lot of wardrobe changes, a lot of trial and error. And Iâ€™m still changing all the time, still seeking ways to become the most â€œmeâ€ I can be. I had really excellent teachers who inspired me while I was coming out and coming into butchness and queerness, which really helped. I have very supportive parents and siblings, and Iâ€™ve always been very stubborn about doing my own thing and expressing my own way, since I was young. Iâ€™ve leaned on the many communities Iâ€™ve been a part of, and have felt so supported and lifted up by the generosity â€” Iâ€™ve learned so much by being part of communities and groups.
To the heart of itâ€¦ What is special about Sweet & Rough?
Itâ€™s a sixteen story collection of sexy butch/femme smut, so just that is pretty special. Itâ€™s got conversations about gender interspersed, plus all sorts of kink, like handcuffs, rope bondage, flogging, anal sex, rough sex, sex in public â€¦ just lots of sex in general. I think it gives readers and lovers of butch/femme culture a great introduction to the huge body of work I have on sugarbutch.net and I hope itâ€™ll be a good starting point! They are some of my favorite stories that Iâ€™ve ever written, and some of them are in book anthologies that were published many years ago (some published under my legal name, even, before I had this nom de plume) so many of them will be new reads.
Do you do casual clothes as well, or are you always so suited up?
I love casual clothes, but Iâ€™m always very polished. Iâ€™ve worked in offices and had to wear button downs and slacks, but Iâ€™m much more of a jeans and jersey polo style these days. Iâ€™ve turned the black tee-shirt into my signature of sorts, so while I wear a tee-shirt and jeans four days a week, itâ€™s still within a signature â€˜lookâ€™ and style. I have a variety of fashion rules for myself, thoughâ€”like always wear a belt with jeans, always wear a collared shirt if Iâ€™m going out or teaching or going on a date, always wear good shoes (never sneakers, unless working out).
Here are our three winning questions from BOT fans:
How do you manage all your different enterprisesâ€¦i.e. Your writing, your web classes, your personal appearances? [Kara]
I focus on one at a time, and I have a variety of goals for myself that I juggle. I think of my business as three-prong: writing, teaching, and coaching. So at any time I have some little projects for each of those. This summer I moved Sugarbutch to being updated once a week, so thatâ€™s changed my writing schedule a bit, and itâ€™s been great because it gave me time to do other writing projects, like compiling Sweet & Rough!
Do you ever feel pressure to stick to binary gender roles i.e. butch = male/top/dominant/do-er and femme = female/bottom/submissive/receptive? In other words, do you feel pressure to write butch characters as NEVER being on the receiving end of sexual pleasuring? And if so, how do you choose to deal with that pressure? [Deborah]
Yes, I think there is pressure to remain in those roles, and rewards when I stay in them. Iâ€™m more likely to get a story published if I write characters into those roles, I believe. Most of the pieces Iâ€™ve written that are hard to find â€œhomesâ€ for, by which I mean keep getting rejected from anthology submissions, have somewhat unusual character pairings that donâ€™t fit those binary modes.
The thing is, though, that while there is pressure to conform to that, thereâ€™s also huge celebration and praise from the queer worlds when you break out of it, and sometimes big critique from queer community for reproducing anything that looks too normative or following a trope. Just go check out some of the reviews for my last anthology, Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, on Amazonâ€”most of the ones that are less than five stars are comments about how â€œthe butches are all tops and the femmes are all bottoms, yawnâ€ (Iâ€™m paraphrasing, but thatâ€™s often the gist).
So I think while there is pressure to conform, there is also a lot of reward when one doesnâ€™t conformâ€”and the folks who often get the most attention and status in the queer worlds are the ones making their own way. Honestly, I have felt more pressure in person to conform with the butch/femme roles than I do with my eroticaâ€”in some ways I think erotica (or the way I write it, anyway) has more leeway than the in-person stuff.
I hold vulnerability as an incredibly deep value, in my work and in my personal life, and the transparent vulnerability that I show through my work is really important to me. Itâ€™s the heart of my business, I would argue, and the heart of my style as a writer. So while sometimes I do write stories where the butch character is the top and the dom and the one doing all the action, I also write stories where the butch character is getting off or receiving vulnerable touch, and I think itâ€™s important to talk about the gender role restrictions as a piece of the erotic discussion. I do still identify as stone, so there is a piece of me that is very challenged with receiving intimate touch, but I believe in sharing it as part.
What motivated you to begin publishing your work? Was it difficult to find support at first? [Meghan, Tina]
Iâ€™ve always been a writer, and always wanted to publish work and write books. In college, I started obsessively reading lesbian erotica and writing dirty poetry, and I started learning about submitting to anthologies, and started dreaming of one day having one of my stories in a real book â€“ and then I was shocked when one of my stories was finally accepted (to Best Lesbian Erotica 2006 â€” that was my first official erotica publication)! I have an undergraduate degree in writing, and studied at the Bent Writing Institute for queers in Seattle, so I have been in writing groups longer than Iâ€™ve been publishing writingâ€”so the support came first. I donâ€™t know if I would have started publishing if I hadnâ€™t had support around me, like writing group colleagues who were egging me on and reading my submission letters and comforting me when I got rejected and supporting me to keep trying.
Writing groups and community are so important when trying to get your work out there. Itâ€™s hard to find writing groups who will take erotica seriously, Iâ€™ve found â€” so at times, over the years, Iâ€™ve made my own writing group, specifically so we could talk seriously about the erotica writing, not just the dirty actions in the story that were titillating.
My big long-term goal has always been to write books, plural. Many of them. Most of what I do aside from write is me trying to find a way to fund my writing, since writers â€” especially genderqueer trans butch/femme sexy kinky dirty erotica writing â€” rarely get paid very much.
Now back to my questions. What is something people donâ€™t know about you?
I do write about it and talk about it, but I still find that itâ€™s a surprise when I tell people I was born and raised in southeast Alaska, and that I left home at sixteen. I had a rough time as a teenager, and was really searching for something, though I didnâ€™t know what. In retrospect it was always about being a queer butch, but it took me a few cities and partners and mustering a lot of courage to come out in order for me to find those identities, and then another five or so years to really be comfortable claiming, living in, and expanding the definitions of them.
Also, Iâ€™m a really big introvert, and need lots of time alone to do the deep thinking that I see as instrumental to my work. Itâ€™s not always obvious because I love leading workshops and performing, tooâ€”itâ€™s a bit of a contradiction, but thatâ€™s just how it is.
I am really surprised to hear you are an introvert! What would you like to tackle that youâ€™ve not yet done?
Iâ€™d like to do a podcast, Iâ€™ve thought about it for years. But I just donâ€™t have the time, with my current schedule and number of projects I take on. Personally? Iâ€™d like to have a vegetable garden. After years of living in little apartments in big cities, I have a yard right now, and a few little things growing, and itâ€™s so thrilling.
Are you ready for the Lightning Round? These are just A or B answers, ok? No need to explain.
Bow tie or straight?
Motorcycles or race cars?
Herringbone or plaid?
Hmmm, tough one. Iâ€™m inclined to say plaid because Iâ€™m a kid of the 90s, but really that was more like flannel. I rarely if ever wear patterns. I think I have a herringbone tie, though, so Iâ€™ll go with that.
Soup or salad?
Salad forever! Breakfast salad, dessert salad. All the salad.
I almost spit out my soda. All the salad. Heh.
Roses or daisies?
Daisies, especially Gerberas, theyâ€™re my favorite. But I am a pretty classic romantic, I believe in roses too.
Well, we have that in common. Gerberas are my very favorite, too. And I am definitely a romantic.
Beer or whisky?
Whiskey! But with an -ey, because bourbon.
Curves or muscles?
Mmmmmm, curves definitely curves.
There are so many more questions that I want to ask you, but letâ€™s wait and do another interview some time soon, OK? Maybe around your next book. As for that book, you can buy it from Amazon here.
I was so pleased to talk with Sinclair. I am inspired by Sinclairâ€™s authenticity, success, and talent. It is Butch to be authentic, sexy, and talented â€“ not to mention kinky and dirty. Be Butch.